Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize