I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
