I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
