I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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