We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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