we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
