i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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