just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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