i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Damn victory sex feels great
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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