Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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