this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
