everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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