remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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