I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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