May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
