Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
