Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
