I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Welp...herpes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
