What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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