someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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