We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize