turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
