I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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