So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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