If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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