I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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