My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm passing your future prison.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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