I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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