I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
