now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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