So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
