Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
