Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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