Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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