So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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