Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
