it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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