I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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