I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize