It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
