I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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