your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
