he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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