i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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