I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
