I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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