she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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