Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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