I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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