The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
