Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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