im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
