shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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