About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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