Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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