my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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