I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
