Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
