Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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