you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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