took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
