you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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