my shit smells like andre
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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