hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
