My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
